“That Voice” of Suicide

Training on bridges is a must for anyone desiring to run the Gate River Run. Athletes from all over the globe participate in the 9.3 mile race that is the US National Championship. It concludes with a near mile ascent and descent across the Hart Bridge. January and February runs of increasing length and vigor, have become an expected seasonal ritual in preparation for the March competition.

I parked my car at the foot of the Beach Blvd. Bridge and began the incline in hopes to run this course twice. The night was a typical winter evening on the First Coast, clear and brisk. I began mindful of the pace and markers that typify my training here. My scarf flapped in the wind. The breeze was both noteworthy and exhilarating. I glanced over my right shoulder spying local restaurants and a marina below. The lights of the highway mingled with those of the businesses. Muted sparkles danced off the rippled waves of the dark shadowed waters of the Intracoastal Waterway. It was mesmerizing in its beauty. My thighs protested with slight discomfort at the incline, yet the vista and ambiance of the evening were payoffs worth the effort.

I cleared the apex and readied myself for the measured downslope. As soon as I did, I heard a voice within, “You can be free of all this pain. The harder you try, the worse everything is becoming. Just jump off this bridge and be done. Everything you do, only makes things worse! Your faithfulness yields your own destruction.” I came to a standstill. At first I was stunned by the suggestion, but the message penetrated deep into my shattered soul… and lingered. I moved toward the edge and spied the dark water below. Torrents of grief gripped me. “My daughter lives in heaven. Carly. I could be with her. Now. I could. No more stress and pain. All would be settled.” Tears welled up and fell like glass smashing to the floor. The emptiness of my current predicament enveloped my senses. My daughter was dead and buried, and my estranged husband had done every awful thing that could be done in betrayal. My mind rankled that someone I loved, could be so cold, cruel. So very cruel. My heart broke with the pain of my all too real life. Everything unraveled despite how gallantly, how fiercely I fought for my family, for the covenant to be fulfilled. I looked down at the sparkling water, the pools of circulating currents around the cement supports. My tormented soul considered the offer, “You could be free from all pain.”

My mind fixated on my other two daughters, so beautiful. How pitiful, after all the devastation for them to lose me. “No! No, devil! I will not jump! In fact, I won’t even come back up here for you to taunt me again. You are a liar, and I will not listen to you! Shut up! I have a hope, a destiny.”

I turned around and headed back down the bridge, to my waiting car. The runner in me was disappointed that the workout had been cut short, but the rest of me knew that I shouldn’t have stayed in that space longer than necessary. I needed to regain my composure and put this little scenario behind me. I couldn’t believe the enemy spoke so clearly. His voice was crystal clear.

In recent years I have noticed how ubiquitous suicide and drug overdose have become. Although I am well acquainted with loss, I have no idea what parents and loved ones suffer when young lives are lost in this manner. In 2018 there were 48,344 suicides in the U.S. That is a stunning statistic. For quite a while, only one person knew of this particular incident in my life. I spoke of it in hushed whispers out of embarrassment. Nevertheless, I have concluded that everyone hears “That Voice” at some point in their lives. There is no need to be embarrassed that “That Voice,” of Suicide spoke to you. Just fight it in the name of Jesus. Reach out for as much help as you need, for as long as you need it. If all else fails, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Your life is worth the living. Your value is indescribable. You are a dream come true from The Father’s heart. Better days are ahead.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted: and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18