Losers Keepers

The columns of the porch bore the marks of aged, peeling paint and weathering.  This century old Gothic Revival home overlooked the bank of the expansive St. John’s River and was an established place of refuge for me.  The wind was gentle, contrasting my inner thoughts and emotions that whirled frantically without relief. I was in shock. My husband had moved out again.  My heart was breaking and shattering, primarily because of my beautiful daughters.  Kathryn and Janae had endured more hardship in their short lives then most adults. Everything about my mindset was to do anything and everything to find the passageway that would result in the pieces being put back together. I had no frame of reference for divorce as my parents were married until the day my father flew to heaven on Oct. 25^th, 2000. My heart was set on a marriage restored.

 During our brief conversation, my friend Doug comforted and challenged me with one profound, unsettling comment: “Deborah, I don’t care if you stay married. I don’t care if you get divorced. I have no dog in this race. The thing that concerns me is, no matter what happens to your marriage, I want you to come out whole.  Put your energy behind figuring out what you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. Do that over and over again.  Wholeness for you is my desire.”

It took me a while to process his advice. The word WHOLENESS penetrated deep in my spirit.  It was a powerful, substantial concept. Wholeness was a great idea in the midst of radical instability and frightening unknowns. If I knew the target, I could hit it. Wholeness became a touchstone in the months and years ahead.

I actually observed insightful and brilliant tools while trying to sustain my marriage. Even though that relationship ended, I grew tremendously as an individual. Everything I amassed in that process, I still possess. They are treasures I can share and expand upon. Lessons learned become cups of cold water dispensed to other people while they try to clear their unique set of obstacles.

I understand deeply about the usefulness of differences of opinions. They are tools to create new ideas. Seriously, they are as potent as an egg and a sperm uniting. Amazing solutions and new venues of thought can come when two individuals don’t see eye to eye. But you have to be open to listen and learn. If you already know deep in your heart that your worth and value are beyond measure, then you can listen to others critiques and viewpoints without being defensive. Stand in their shoes for a few minutes and consider why they think that way. Even if you don’t agree, you have gleaned insight about someone else’s perspective. This is love in action. We need more of that!

Losing my daughter cemented the idea that grief is a path of healing. There are many ways to get stuck and whirlpool around and around in grief. Honestly, you don’t have to. I’m glad I took the time I needed to get through her death. I can only imagine the compounded devastation that could have occurred if I hadn’t entered the break-up of my family relatively healed from burying Carly.  Actually, divorce is a series of losses. I lost my husband, my house, our combined financial future, and my family in the form it had always existed. A divorce is built on thousands of decisions and choices and at least one heart that has grown cold. Compared to burying Carly, it was worse.

 “Finders keepers, losers weepers,” is a children’s chant heard on playgrounds and backyards across the United States.  My take, surprisingly, is seeming in contrast to that sentiment. If using resistance and weights to break your muscles down in order to create stronger more efficient muscles, then maybe difficulties can be the precise opposing forces to cultivate healthier emotions. My experiences have convinced me there is a path taken during emotional stressors that can, in fact, build depth of character and emotional endurance. If a broken bone mends even stronger that the original, maybe there are stepping stones through devastations that can bring you out “upgraded.” Maybe the loser becomes the keeper!

The elapsed time between my special daughter Carly’s death to the end of my marriage was less than 2 ½ years.  I would not wish that type of one-two punch of trauma on my worst enemy. However, I have to admit, dealing with everything in real time and utilizing strategies from past difficulties, my life is in a great place. My energy and dreams are rightfully placed in today with an eye toward the future. The best is yet to come. I am the best version of me that has ever existed. That is very exciting! Wholeness is a beautiful thing indeed.

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up: do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19