Relationships are intricate. They bend. They break. The breathe. They grow. They falter. It takes two individuals, both giving of themselves, to sustain a bond whether BFFs, family, or married couples. My favorite topic of late is a brilliant TV show hosted by Van Jones, The Restoration Project. It’s TV worth watching! The genesis of each affiliation is forged under horrific, worst case scenarios. It highlights what is possible (in restorative justice) when worlds collide under the truly tragic circumstance of CRIME! What reasonable value can transpire under the destructive rubble of situations such as: a mom is killed when her daughter is a mere toddler? An only son is lost in a drug deal gone wrong? A white cop is shot by a black teenager? Tremendous healing and progress can come from these unimaginable traumas. It seems a “Twilight Zone ” type of concept. However, the results are well documented in one hour segments. You will be in shock. You might cry. You might get angry, but you will see miracles happen before your very eyes. Seeing is believing!
That toddler grew up and made a conscious decision to forgive that man. Because of her forgiveness, the ex-convict now helps other prisoners get jobs when they finish their sentences. That grieving mom became the mentor to the prisoner encouraging him to stay sober. You see, she also is a recovering addict with many years of victory behind her. That white cop told that almost 40-year-old African American man that he is proud of him for learning to read, getting in a work program, and taking responsibility for his life! He, in turn wept because no one has EVER told him that! It took a lot of arduous emotional and spiritual work, not to mention courage on the part of both parties in order to produce these miraculous, other-worldly results.
One of the prisoners was convicted of murder and attempted murder. He blamed the survivor of his atrocity for almost a decade. Can you believe that? You killed someone in cold blood and attempted to take someone else’s life. You went to trial. You got convicted. Went to jail. You pin the loss of life on the victim who survived for ten years! When the day of the nefarious event entered his brainwaves his deflective response was, “He broke the code!” It boggles the mind to contemplate the level of deceit involved. How could that be his conclusion when all the evidence is to the contrary? I learned something valuable from that episode. A lot of people justify their poor behaviors in a similar manner. They may not be in jail for murder, but maybe they are not such a good husband, wife, parent. Maybe they cheat and say, “She deserves it!” Or spend a lot of money and say, “He’s to blame!” I think somewhere along life’s yellow brick road we are taught this mode of outrageous denial will get us through. We blame other people for our self generated crap! Maybe we sleep better at night finding a justification that doesn’t include having to ever say, “I’m sorry.”
When you watch the Restoration Project two healing agents stand out. Number one, forgiveness heals both parties. The victim will be set free in their own life when they find the strength to FORGIVE. These circumstances are unimaginably painful, truly catastrophic in nature. Their lives have been irrevocably altered. However, the sufferer can’t get past the traumatic event until they can, or even attempt to wipe the slate clean. Does the convict deserve it? I’ll let you answer that for yourself. The key is to forgive. It aligns their lives’ with an alternative path, not just reliving and reacting to the tragedy.
Number two, the perpetrator can be set free by OWNING IT. That’s right, looking in the mirror and saying, “I did this. I take responsibility. I hold myself accountable. ” I don’t know the ins and outs of restorative justice programs, but somehow they move an individual to take proprietorship for pulling the trigger or shooting up on that drug, or getting behind that wheel drunk. I cant imagine how difficult this might be. In order to define their worth and value by something other than the past, they must own it completely.
I can’t heap enough praise upon, The Restoration Project. I hope there are additional seasons in the works. I’m grateful Van Jones saw the value in bringing these stories to the public. The stories are heart wrenching, but if people are capable of forgiving and taking full responsibility under the most dire of circumstances, surely we in the general public can attempt to implement these two essential keys.
Life can be extremely trying. Still, don’t ever give up. Don’t ever give in. Don’t ever quit. Don’t ever surrender. The best is yet to come!
Broken but Beautiful 
Ah, to take full and complete responsibility for ourselves, our choices good and bad, and their effects, acknowledging that yes society, other people, our backgrounds, or more may have had an impact on us and our choices, but in the end it is WE, and we alone, who are responsible. No Adam, it wasn’t “the woman thou hast given me.” No Eve, it wasn’t the serpent. It’s US! What a concept. The sinner and more completely we acknowledge it, the better off we all will be, and more readily available to receive restoration and experience reconciliation. Thanks for this great post Debbie!
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