Deal With It

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I took a deep breath and stepped off the elevator onto the open-air observation platform of 30 Rockefeller Center. I could barely maneuver due to the cluster of other guests. I was lost for a few timeless moments, separated from the group. I peacefully drifted. The breeze tousled my hair.

The temperature was exquisite. My white sweater, gripped in my hand, remained unworn. My senses filled with the thrilling, unique experience of being 70 floors above New York City. I saw families celebrating after patiently waiting for their turn to snap a photo with an unobstructed, sunset view of the sprawling skyline below. I heard foreign languages conveying enthusiastic messages of customary sight-seeing exploration. My heart expanded with deep gratitude. I was very cognizant just how easily I could have missed this fabulous adventure. Thank God, I said, “Yes!”

In the waiting area, approximately 30 minutes previously, a real battle had taken place. It had been initiated with a simple question, “Do you want to deal with it today?” My mind envisioned the previous time I came face-to-face with this dilemma. My answer that particular day was a resounding, “No!” I stepped out of line to breathe and contemplate.

Memories came flooding back. Then, Carly was alive, my family intact. We were in St. Louis on our trip sponsored by Dreams Come True of Jacksonville. We traveled to Missouri to visit dear friends; Susan, Rose and Charlie.

Our destination on that appointed day was none other than The St. Louis Gateway Arch, iconic and rather crowded. A panoramic view 630 ft. to the top awaited if I could just push through the panic. My blood pressure began to rise. I asked probing questions, “How long does it take to get to the top? What is it like up there? How much space to walk around? How hot is it?” With every question I asked, my anxiety only increased. I peered into the egg type contraption that hoisted several seated guests to the top in approximately 5 minute, movie distracted intervals. Just imagining being in that sardine-can type contraption produced troubling panic. Terror can be a debilitating emotion even when you know, deep in your heart, it is irrational. My Trisomy 18 child with her sisters, Kathryn and Janae, would be able to do it. Me? I responded, “I’ll pass. I don’t think I can make it today.” Claustrophobia – 1, Deborah- 0.

I put it off. I had kicked the can down the road. I was peering at the decision point once again, “Do you want to deal with it today?” The question at hand loomed heavily like a dark, foreboding cloud. Familiar sensations of being in peril emerged. My skin began to crawl. My palms sweated. My heart rate accelerated. I considered my options. I could amuse myself in the lobby of Top of The Rock and wait for my friends. However, I could face my fears. My choice. Holy Spirit was not demanding or insisting. He would allow the offer again, in a differing place and timeframe if I said no. I could feel His joy-filled patience. Like a parent wondering if their baby would walk today, or sometime in the next two weeks. His desire was for me to be free of this anxiety, but my will and participation were necessary components to the process. I gave permission, “Yes, I want to push through.”

Karen observed my pallor as blood drained from my face in my struggle. She reached out to pray for me.” Father, come and help Deborah. Fill her. Help her…” Calm returned instantly. I got back into the crowded, slow moving line. I devised a plan to push against any residue of trepidation. I boarded the elevator and strategically expanded my body so I would have the slightest bit of wiggle room. With His grace and support of my friend, I could board that crammed elevator and I did!

I wish I could report that I have never had any sensations of claustrophobia since that day. Honestly, I have. What I can tell you is this: I have never once missed out on anything I needed to do. I have pushed through every time since September 2018, and the sensations are much muted since then.

I don’t know what fear, anxiety, hang up, memory, or sin God wants to free you of. I don’t. Maybe you do? If you seek victory and fail, don’t give up. Mistakes and failures are a part of the learning process. The good work He began in you and me He will never stop completing this side of eternity. As long as our hearts are open to learn and willing to try, He can bring the freedom to every area of our lives.