The Experience of Losing a Child

Deborah Lewis
IMG_2346Uncomfortably Numb
     I was not surprised when Carly died. I knew that she would be returning to Him for several reasons. However, like most everyone in such circumstances, I started off in emotional shock. You become numb to pain, numb to joy and happiness as well. No highs, or lows. Welcome to the emotional middle ground. Gray is not such an awful color after all. It is necessary so you can begin to deal with the trauma of your life change in one little drop of reality at a time. Drip, Drip, Drop.
Time Warp
     Along with shock, a touch of awe. Time gets all screwed up and out of whack. Time warps. A minute proceeds like an hour. An hour transpires similar to an instant. You search for markers to assist with linear orientation. What time is it? How long have we been sitting here?
Cement in My Boots
     You begin to move into places and times that are common and ordinary. To everyone’s happy surprise, you are functioning and producing to some degree. A certain rhythm is forming. It is slow. Your feet feel heavy, but there is now a definite direction to your movement. You are trudging through at the pace of the tortoise as he looks to his right and spies the hare asleep under the tree. Slow progress is better than no progress. Hey, the tortoise goes on to beat the hare, eh?
Paint Ball Anyone?
     Life’s pace is picking up. The plates are starting to spin again. Not as many as before. You know you are vulnerable, but you have no idea where or when you will be hit. Like strategical maneuvering in paintball, a posture to protect your elbow, may leave your ankle exposed. Just the other day, I was participating in a training. We had several “role plays “ to help us solidify the learning. I was the teenager in crisis. After two runs at that, I needed a less active role. I had been hit, the wound had been stepped on. I needed time to wash off the “paint” and assess the damage. An hour later I was fine.
Lessons Learned
     I cry when I need to. I laugh when I feel like it. I am conscious of what emotions I am feeling. I often consider how much of the world I can participate in, if any at all. Carly is worth missing. This is part of the journey. By God’s grace, I will live, learn and grow through these circumstances. To Him be all the glory. When you think of me, think this, “Blessed.”
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Published by Deborah Lewis

Don't ever give in. Don't ever quit. Don't ever surrender. What gives me the right to say that? Mountains of impossibility that I have walked through: 6 1/2 years of infertility, an adoption that did not go through, two seasons of helping raise other people's children, a miscarriage, paid back every cent of 85K of debt, crisis pregnancy, raising a special needs daughter, the death of that daughter, divorce etc... With every challenge came real wounds, but something else in juxtaposition to the scars: wisdom, and treasure. Real riches found on very broken paths. Some of my closest friends have caught my tears big, wet, snotting up, warm tears, but they have also "seen" the gifts acquired along the way. They have experienced hope in hopeless situations. They have gleaned tenacity in unbearable circumstance. And to be VERY CLEAR this is not because I am strong, very much the opposite. I KNOW how weak I am. Don't give up. Don't give in. Don't surrender. "For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on You." 2Chron 20:12. My mom would say, "Shoulders back, chest out!" I would add to that, fix your eyes on the only One who declares, "You are more that a conqueror!"

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