Finding out the child’s sex was of paramount importance when our entire family arrived at the high-risk doctor’s office that late afternoon in January. One thing that caught my attention: as we sat in the hallway waiting for our sonogram room, the nurses and doctor were celebrating in the hall. They were ecstatic some “advanced maternal” mommy must have been in danger and the tests were negative and the staff was truly joyful. I remember thinking for no particular reason, “I wonder if they will rejoice like that for me?”
As we entered the room, we brought a variety of laughter, curiosity, and life. True happiness and JOY were in the room. Dante’ was cracking jokes, Janae was asking questions, and Kathryn was herself, full of life. It was a beautiful moment, frozen in time, sealed in my heart.
We quickly found out it was to be another girl, and Dante’ left for the bathroom. But then, I noticed the baby’s head didn’t look right. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but the shape looked off somehow. I asked the tech what she was doing. “Counting digits,” was her reply. I proceeded to do the same. In my head, I started to count, “One, two, three, four, five, six. Six!” I could count just as accurately as the technician could. My baby girl had six fingers!
Even then, God was preparing my heart. I was in a room surrounded by LOVE. He was there too. The Holy Spirit was revealing information to me, so that I would not be in shock. I felt calm – at peace even – as the sonogram technician asked for the doctor. I knew they would not be rejoicing in the hall for me. He came in and starting talking quickly about all the abnormalities he was seeing. “… and here, in the heart, it looks like there’s a problem. And her head, it’s not shaped right, see? It’s called a strawberry shaped head. And if you notice here—” and he zoomed in on Carly’s hand, “—excluding the thumb, I think I’m counting five finger bones, not four. And if you notice…” I don’t remember everything he was saying, but he was not happy. There were problems, most likely serious problems, with my child. And they recommended an amnio.
I am not big on amniocentesis, and its results would not change the choices I made about my baby. I didn’t want to put my already medically troubled child under any circumstances that might cause her harm. I expressed my opposition to the doctor, “I’m scared it might cause me to miscarry my child. There’s part of me that doesn’t want to put her in any danger.” His response was, “I understand your concern, but it might be better if you miscarried…” This would be the beginning of the discrimination by OBGYN’s toward Carly because she was “less than perfect” in their eyes. I still wonder, “Who are they to judge?” He gave us a moment as a couple to discuss and pray about this decision. Kathryn and Janae had already been removed to a place where they would no longer be in position to hear more bad news about their baby sister.
The first scripture that came to mind was, “Weeping may endure for the night, but JOY comes in the morning.” I resolved to search for what God was doing in and around me in these circumstances. All things work for good. Good would come out of this. God is near. He filled the room with so much love and laughter and light. He will not leave me or forsake me. I knew this to be true.
I knew there would be days of this journey ahead that I would not remember that God’s intention was to do good for me. So I made a plan to record each and every time God did something good for me. The name of the journal is “Living with Joy. ” This is how Joy became Carly’s middle name. I filled three journals with stories, scriptures, unexplainable occurrences and pictures that God used to comfort me in my pain. Three journals FULL of kind gestures by people, interesting places God sent me, and His eternal Word. I would read that journal every time the pain was overtaking my hope.
That day at the High Risk doctor should have been the worst of my life, but IT WAS NOT! It was the beginning of an amazing journey of a little t-18 girl. Her name is Carly. Just like Kathryn and Janae she is a joy, and a blessing, and an answer to prayer.
Broken but Beautiful 